My life is relationship based – with my family, my clients, and colleagues. I love people and love working them which means a lot of contact with many different types of people. I value my relationships more than anything in my life. And that being said, my relationships are never perfect. I have some relationships in my life that run very smoothly, consistently, and some that don’t. And as we have all heard – it takes two to tango. But within the two, how do I take responsibility instead of expecting someone else to do it? Because FYI, the other person may never.

What I am curious about is to take a look beyond black and white thinking and moving into a different area that’s not even necessarily gray. It’s a place where humans can be imperfectly human and we make choices for ourselves within our relationships based on our hearts. Sometimes we need to let a relationship go. But, if we do so with introspection, we gain a greater sense of clarity.

Who reading this here, right now, blames the other person when there’s conflict in your relationship? And I do mean workplace, friendship, romantic, etc. relationships. I can blame, and I don’t like it. I can beat myself up for it. Not as much as I used to. As I get older, I have wanted more and more peace in my relationships and have come to evaluate how I can find that peace without compromising my well being.

I have found myself letting people take up rent free space in my head:

  1. If she wouldn’t do this…
  2. If he wouldn’t do that…
  3. If she hadn’t said this in that way, then I wouldn’t have…
  4. This relationship would be better if he/she/they would do this better.

I was just on the phone with my own spiritual advisor talking about this. It can be easy to blame, sometimes easier than introspection. However, I have found over the years that it’s also painful. It’s a painful place to live emotionally blaming someone else for the conflict in a relationship or the downfall of it. It can be not a fun place to think I am “right” and also a lonely place to live.

Introspection, ultimately, will heal. It may or may not heal your relationship, but it will certainly help you to heal yourself.

Taking ownership of ourselves in our relationships is empowering. When taking ownership of ourselves, it allows us to see that neither you or the person you’re in conflict with is perfect. Honestly what a relief. To live in the illusion that we are perfect or that anyone else is perfect is actually disempowering. Seeing reality and accepting it and each other as we are right now is empowering. It is also a beginning. There’s no beginning in blame.

If any of your relationships aren’t where you’d like them to be, consider letting the other person know. Ask them if they’d be willing to work with you to improve the relationship and what each of you can do to contribute to the betterment of it. The past can’t be changed. What do you want your future relationship to look like? Start the conversation from a gentle and non aggressive place and see where it goes. More on this topic in upcoming articles. ♥️


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